The more I fight this sin, the more I realize desperately I need God, and only God.  I prayed that God would grant me conviction of it at conference, and He did, but in a very different way than I expected. But his work definitely began there, and has continued just as definitely ever since.

Every day God keeps bringing something new into my life to help me deal with it/make sure I don’t forget. Went to my fellowship’s Friday praise night and  couldn’t seem to pray, so I battled it out with my Bible in hand and mental cries to God as I stared out at the street. He brought me again and again to verses that spoke directly to me – frightened me with Hebrews 12:17, speaking of Esau, “for you know that afterward, when he wanted to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no place for repentance, though he sought it diligently with tears” (italics mine). He sought it diligently with tears – that’s what I was doing! And yet I wasn’t being convicted as much as I thought I should be – still the idea of my sin reminded mostly in my head, not my heart – not a heart-deep conviction. It occurred to me then for the first time that I might never attain repentance, that I would simply remain in the sin and be cast out from God forever.

Shaken up by what had happened at conference, I’d looked forward the whole week after it to finishing  REAPing(an acronym my fellowship uses, meant to stand for Review your notes, Evaluate your life, Apply, and Pray). Saturday, I finally did. Spent several hours, reading over my sermon notes and thoughts, reading again and again the Scriptures God’s called me too, praying desperately. Turned out 8 or so pages of journalling,  interspersed with Scripture. And for almost the first time began to feel a deep misery over my sin. When you read over and over again how sinful you are, at some point, God willing, the words will begin to reach you.

Conference, praise night, REAP, then church. In church yesterday, the pastor taught on Hebrews 12: 1-3(”let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us”), and on sin, among other things. God’s working in my life is almost frighteningly clear. Scratch that, it is frightening.

He listed three categories of sin, and the first was as follows:

1)when we succumb to our own temptation – when we’re running the race and we bite the dust – we’re on our knees, bowed down – exactly where God wants us to be